“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”
— Genesis 2:24
Marriage remains as one of the most beautiful bonds a couple can enter into. It is filled with hope, dreams, vision, and – most importantly – an agape love. Yet, in the Catholic Church, the bond of marriage extends beyond a civil arrangement or a promise of “until death do us part.” In the Catholic Church, marriage is uniquely considered a sacrament in which the couple receives sanctifying graces to become more like Christ in and through this sacred unity to one another. It is a bond that extends beyond commitment, beyond “I do’s,” and well beyond the feeling of love itself. It is considered a path to sainthood just as much as becoming a priest or a nun.
Yes, you heard that right: in the Catholic Church marriage is a sacramental path to sainthood. With this at its center and core, marriage has little to do with the feeling of love, and more so to do with uniting our whole lives with our Creator and walking ‘down the aisle’ into His eternal wedding feast with our spouse. When we marry we take on the moral responsibility to help our spouse attain heaven. It is for all of these reasons and more that marriage is not taken lightly in the Catholic Church. It is considered a vocation that is given directly by God and is to be taken tremendously seriously with thorough reflection, discernment, and prayer.
There are several layers to examine when it comes to the sacrament of marriage but, for today, we will examine what is considered the four elements (or pillars) required to become married in the Catholic Church.
What are the four pillars of marriage?
The four pillars of marriage refer to the non-negotiables that are absolutely required for a couple to be sacramentally married in the Catholic Church. In fact, if these four elements are not present then the priest, in good conscience, cannot allow the couple to become married. OR if for some reason the priest and the couple completely neglected to look at these requirements then the couple would likely have grounds for an annulment, meaning that the sacrament of marriage actually never took place. In other words, if these requirements had been neglected from the start (at the moment of taking vows) then the marriage would not be considered valid.
Just as there are “requirements” to drive a car or fly a plane, there are “requirements” in place when committing yourself to a lifelong commitment to someone and to becoming a new family. Remember, marriage is not about you or the feeling of love. In the Catholic Church, it truly is about becoming a saint and becoming closer to Christ in and through this sacred bond.
Why are there “requirements” to get married?
This is perhaps the most confusing part to try to understand with our modern day culture as our lens and context. In the movies, marriage is primarily based on a type of attractive love. The problem is, this feeling of love or even attraction is like going 100 mph on an open road. Yes, it’s exciting, it’s exhilarating, it’s everything. Yet it’s also a bit reckless, dangerous, and puts your heart and the heart of others seriously on the line. It’s not sustainable.
When it comes to the Catholic faith, marriage is not equivalent to this type of love we see portrayed in the movies. It is a completely different lens and worldview. Yes, marriage absolutely includes all the fun of romance, attraction, youthfulness – but these are secondary and even symptomatic to a love that is first grounded, holy, selfless, and anchored in a reality far bigger than the couple. It produces a type of love that does not quickly diminish, is not gone with the storms of life, and can actually experience a paradoxical joy in the midst of suffering.
Lastly, the sacrament of marriage is meant to be a reflection of Christ and the Church. Remember, the sacrament of marriage is considered a path to sainthood – just as becoming a priest or a nun. The end goal is for the couple to become one with Christ in and through their domestic union and to be living examples of the selfless love Christ has for his bride, the Church. When we examine the marital love Jesus has for His bride, the Church we see a multifold reality: ministry, evangelization, persecution, suffering, death, resurrection. Married couples, in the same way, are called to this same vocation of ministry and are called into the “passion of Christ” that leads through death and into a new and transformative life in God.
The Pillars of Marriage: Elements that are first required of god to himself and all of creation
When we think of a God that is all powerful and all knowing we tend to not think that there are “requirements” this God must uphold. We tend to think finite creatures have certain requirements, but not a totally free God.
The reality is, it is precisely because God is the most free that He contains within Himself requirements that are considered absolute, unchanging, and eternal. It is actually by consistently living out and being the essence of these requirements that God proves Himself as the most free and is freedom itself.
Side note: one example of this is the absolute requirement that God is truth and, therefore, God is literally incapable of lying because doing so would go against the fabric of what God is. Just like me literally being incapable of being an elephant does not make me less of a human, but rather, more of a human – so too does God’s inability to lie make him the very essence of what is truth, and therefore divine, and not a degree less. The requirements God has by virtue of being God is actually part of what characterizes Him as the most free.
We see this same dynamic of freedom and requirements when it comes to love and marriage. Instead of associating a requirement as a burden or something that restricts our freedom, in the greatest sense, it is actually these requirements that lend to our most free life. Just as getting good movement each week, having lower stress levels, sleeping well, and eating balanced meals could be thought of as “pillars” or “requirements” to a healthier lifestyle – so too are their pillars or requirements that are associated with freedom and love. Just as we would not downplay the importance of physical pillars to a healthy lifestyle, so too should we not downplay the essentials when it comes to the pillars necessary to walking in freedom.
Freedom is not the lack of restraint, but rather, the ability to have such self-mastery that one is truly free to live a life of excellence. And we see this very dynamic played out first and foremost by God. In each of these four elements of marriage we will find that it is God who models this element of marriage first and we are now domestic models of this marital love that has been first established by God. In other words, there is not a single requirement here that God does not hold Himself accountable to first and foremost. In fact, it is in God that we will find the very source and essence of the most perfect example of these pillars of marriage.
Pillar One: Free
The first requirement to be married in the Catholic Church is that both parties have come to the sacrament completely free and of their own free will. There has been no coercion, manipulation, deceit, or force by which one or both parties have been subjected. Both parties are fully desiring this marital union completely and totally without restraint. It is critical that both parties are making this commitment from a place of freedom and not of force or coercion.
Of course this is a requirement held first and foremost by God. This required element of marriage is a reflection of the love God has for us: the love God has for us is completely free. God’s love for us is without deceit, coercion, force, or grave fear. There is no “need” for God to love us yet God freely chooses to love us and literally loves us into existence. When we emulate this same type of free love to our spouse we are mirroring the very love that God has for us.
Pillar Two: Total
The second requirement to receive the sacrament of marriage is that both parties must be completely willing to give and receive of each other in totality and without reserve. This totality of marriage means that the couple is freely agreeing to give and receive absolutely everything: past, present, future, body, soul, finances, fertility, etc. There is absolutely nothing that is hidden and nothing that is kept from the other. We would be unable to “pick and choose” parts of a person and reject other parts. By virtue of the sacrament of marriage we are asked to choose the whole person, not just parts of them. This element of marriage is also known as the unitive aspect of marriage in which the couple is completely united not just metaphorically in a fairytale way but absolutely united in every way possible.
This totality of marriage is first established in the love God has for each and every one of us. The love God has for us is total and absolute. In His infinite love, God has an agape love for all of me – not parts of me. God maintains a faithful and eternal love for me in my wins and losses in my victories and defeats. My merits do not “earn” God’s love just as much as my losses do not “lose” God’s love. God’s love is ever constant and the same yesterday, today, and always. This totality of love is ever encompassing of the whole person and is the greatest source of love imaginable.
Pillar Three: Faithful
The third requirement for the sacrament of marriage is the firm commitment to remain absolutely faithful to your spouse unconditionally. Specifically, this means maintaining an exclusive commitment and saying “no” to any other option that comes down the road by virtue of giving your ultimate “YES” to one person alone. In other words, when I said, “yes” to my husband I, at the same time, said “no” to anyone else. This is a total fidelity that is to be maintained in body, mind, and spirit. We will get into the intricacies of this in later articles on marriage but, the short of it is this: fidelity is not reduced to only the physical but absolutely includes the internal movements of the soul and intentional choices of the mind. Being faithful is not just a lack of physical adultery but it is maintaining the chastity to reserve all of your desire for your spouse and your spouse alone. There is truly an exclusivity found within marriage that, while challenging at times, is absolutely the foundation to a lifelong commitment.
It is in God that we discover the essence of unconditional fidelity. Look no further than scripture, human history, and even our own personal history to see the many times we have turned our back to God, and yet, God remains faithful. In fact, scripture reminds us of this:
“God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners Christ died for us.”
— Romans 5:8
Our entire faith is founded on the reality that God did not give His entire life for us because we were perfect, but rather, because we were imperfect. The very love story of salvation history is that God gave His life so that we might come to be free to be one with Him. There is no condition to this sacrifice, there is no condition to this love, there is simply an endless and unconditional fidelity.
It is possible that, from a day to day basis or a “heat of the moment” season or chapter of life it might very well feel like God has left us in a personal way. And this can be a devastating experience to feel and go through. Many saints refer to this as a “dark night of the soul,” and it is not uncommon to experience temporary or even a long term feeling of distance from God. Yet the reality is this: regardless of experience or feelings the objective reality is that God has not left us and never will. For God to leave us would mean that life would end completely and eternally. Is the world still in rotation? Is Heaven still intact? Is our soul in existence? These are realities pointing to the objective truth that the Creator is still holding all of creation in existence, regardless of our downfalls or wins and regardless of our personal feeling or lack of closeness with him.
Yes, personal experiences of feeling distant from God or like God is distant from us is very difficult – please understand that – yet it is not proof that God is not faithful. In fact, oftentimes God is perhaps even most faithful during times when we feel separated from Him. Likewise, our “feeling close” or “feeling distant” from our spouse is not an objective measure of their fidelity to us. In fact, it can actually be a huge testimony to the spouses when they are going through a dry chapter of their relationship and still choose to remain faithful to one another even through personal experiences of distance. It is hugely virtuous to maintain fidelity even and especially when there are dry seasons of life. It’s easy to maintain fidelity when the fire is hot and the stars are in alignment. Yet gold is refined and saints are created when the storms of life come and we choose to still remain faithful.
Pillar Four: Fruitful
The fourth pillar of the sacrament of marriage is remaining open to life and being fruitful in the love that is shared between the spouses. In other words, in order to be married in the Catholic Church, the couple has to be open to conceiving and having children in and through their sexual union as spouses. This fourth element is a natural byproduct of each of the pillars but, most especially, the pillar of totality. Remember when we discussed that totality requires loving all of the person and not just parts of the person? Well included in the fabric of who I am as a whole person is the ability to be a mother that is well reflected in my physical make-up. As part of giving and receiving the other in totality, without reserve, includes the ability to have children. This is also known as the pro-creative part of marriage and being co-creators of life with God.
Does this mean that couples who struggle with infertility are incapable of having a sacramental and vibrant marriage? Absolutely not. Do infertile couples have “less” of a marriage than couples who are fertile and able to have children? Absolutely not!! It pains my heart that the opposite would ever be thought of or suggested. Some of the holiest couples I know are couples who have grown tremendously through the cross of not being able to have children. They are some of the greatest examples of patience, fidelity, trust, and giving their lives entirely to God. And, God willing, the day comes that they are able to conceive, my goodness does that make the celebration of life all that more joyful and abundant!
Let’s say “Couple A” is the couple who is sacramentally married and struggles with infertility and “Couple B”is the couple who is sacramentally married and does not struggle with infertility. Did each couple marry with the intention and hope of having children together? Did each couple embrace the reality of children as the natural and good byproduct of sex and marriage? Did each couple say “yes” to the gift of life unconditionally? Then they have met this requirement for the marriage to be valid and sacramental! As long as both sets of couples, regardless of the physical outcome, wholeheartedly agree to the openness of having children together, then this requirement has been met.
The key here though is that, although infertility does exist, it also also does not become the standard for marriage. Just because some couples do experience the heartache of infertility, does not mean it is a free pass for couples to enter into marriage with an infertile mindset and perspective. If a couple goes into marriage with either no or a very limited desire for children then the marriage would not be valid. There does have to be a completely open and total commitment to the openness of life and the celebration of children.
Does this mean that each couple has to have 12 kids? No. But it does mean that each and every moment of intercourse has to maintain an openness to the possibility of life. There are methods of spacing out births that are ethically okay within the Church and we will discuss this in future articles. But for now just know that this is the fourth element of marriage and that children are seen as a huge gift and blessing.
Of course it is within God that we find an openness to life first and foremost. God is life itself and does not hold out on us when it comes to life. Every day, every second, every moment is an endless outpouring of life. We worship a God of life who is fruitful and deems the generation of life as good and holy. We could say that God is the very image of fertility as it is only in and through God that all of life can come into existence.
And so when the joined couple engages in their marital love they are not just giving and receiving of themselves completely but they are modeling the totality of fruitful love modeled by God Himself. We are called to be fruitful and multiply because it is God himself who is fruitful and multiplies. He does not ask of us what He himself does not do first. Again, the marital bond is designed to be a living example of God’s love here on earth – a model of the heavenly glory to come. It is for this reason that the couple is not just seen as “fertile or infertile” but is truly esteemed as being “co-creators of life with God.”
Prayer
